Lapse and My Personal Economy

I fell into a negative, or generally unfavourable mindset... lazy, anxious, depressed. 

Acknowledge it. Recognize it for what it is. Be in it. Let it in, but don't be its friend. Be a challenging host. Push it around a bit. Be playful with it. Indulge it. Indulge it. It won't go away if you don't at least let it in for coffee. Conversely, it won't stay if you are bugging it constantly with physical and mental exercise, positive thought, simple activity. 
I am realizing that it really doesn't take much, just a walk to a coffee shop or a park. It's as easy as that. Sometimes. Sometimes it will take a walk, workout, meditation, reading, several times over in a constant barrage of what you could call clarity.

I think part of the reason why this feeling sank in comes from the simple realization that when I don't get stuff done, I feel like crap. This is where I get stuck a lot of the time unfortunately. It could stem from the fact that the consequences for inaction compound quicker than I can recover from it. It's funny; I think a lot of people would see my "situation", and what I have done and am doing with it, as good. But there are probably a lot of people, myself partially included, who would say that I'm not doing or haven't done enough. As a tough self-critic, I tend to lean toward the latter view, perhaps detrimentally so. The term "my own worst enemy" comes to mind. Self-sabotage has been a driving theme for a good part of my adult life. Some things I'm doing, or not doing, have me feeling like I'm living in the past. When I catch myself in these patterns (which is pretty much what this post is), I am inclined to chuckle a bit. Like, "so this is how we're gonna play this, huh?" But then a mental snap comes in and I remind myself that that was the old me. The old me. 

A lot of this desire to regain control stems from the opportunity, or opportunities, I have set myself up to take advantage of. It's so there that I just want to finish the one part to get to the next -- this semester could not be going any slower. But I give a lot of things the benefit of the doubt so to speak, and in a way I feel like there are still some lessons for me in this part of the opportunity. Sweat this: I went to school today, but did my work alone in the cafeteria rather than going to actual class. Maybe a lot of people do this, I don't know. But I did recognize the stubbornness of me wanting to take in the material my way: 'I don't need class when it's all right here and I can just do the notes.' Another big part of this pie is the old pal anxiety. Fearing going into class again. Stubborn and anxious. Something tells me that was not a good combo. 

Anyway, through writing this I have identified the problem, or at least a problem, or maybe not problem but factor. And that is part of it. Part of the lesson that i'm entrenched in, part of the battle between a negative and positive voice. I think we all have this magnetism; people's polarities are stronger or weaker on either side. 

Now, I start looking at it as a mental/emotional/creative PPF (standing for Production Possibility Frontier). This is something that I actually did learn in social science "class" (economics) today. Recently, my output has been mainly creative (recording and releasing the first part of a new mixtape, doing the cover art for three singles in part two, thinking about "where to cook" for part two, etc.). Going into week 4 of school, there has been moderate input and minimal output; there have been assignments due, but it feels like nothing is happening. This could be, and probably is, because sufficient emphasis has not been put on the intellectual good/service of school. In the immediate future, my PPF needs to shift back to academics as assignments and tests ramp up again. I'm like a country that produces two main goods/services: school-work and dope things. The dope things are being produced in good amounts, and in turn, the mental/intellectual resources shift to that output. Again, in the next few weeks before study break week, a hard shift needs to be made in school-work's favour. I can't have one of my two major exports fall by the wayside, especially when I have spent four out of the last six years trying to get this service up and running, and have a major potential investor on the horizon. That said, there will be no better feeling than sliding into study break week with a good academic foundation to stand on, and with the resource of time to produce the dope things.   

Okay, good talk.

2 thoughts on “Lapse and My Personal Economy

  1. Mum January 28, 2015 / 6:35 PM

    Hi Buddy, you know where I am if you ever need to run things by me. Give yourself credit that you WENT to school. I’m not going down the usual road that I go with this, so try, try, try to build on the amazing momentum that you have created. There will always be days that we all have, that we don’t want to ‘go to work, go to school’ or whatever, but they don’t go away if you ignore them. You have to hit it head on! Love you, Mum xx

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